Dear Abby | Abused Sister Wants to Share Her Story with Her Husband’s Fiancé

DEAR ABBY: I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my oldest brother (6 years older than me) from the age of 6 to 11. As soon as I could verbalize what was happening, I went to my parents and told them. They believed me, but swept it under the rug and offered no form of therapy or treatment for either of us.

When I was 15, I had a mental breakdown. After that, I said, “It’s not like I’ll ever forget what he did to me.” My mother eventually decided to find me a therapist. Over the years (I’m 25 now) I’ve found healing, grace, and forgiveness, but I feel like I need to know that and it’s nobody else’s business.

Even though my parents know exactly what my brother did, they still try to repair our relationship. However, I have stated that I never want a relationship with him again.

My brother is now engaged to a woman he has been with for four years. She has met everyone in my family except me. She has never contacted me, which I find strange. I know my brother has not told her the whole truth about what he did to me as a child, because he still tries to minimize it.

If I were to marry someone and I had met all the family members except their only sister, I would be suspicious and want to know why. Should I send his fiancée an anonymous letter with all the details?

—GENDER IN THE SOUTH

Dear victim: If you send an anonymous letter to your brother’s fiancée, she might interpret it as “someone”, possibly an old friend, trying to break them up. Between you and me, I think someone should warn her about her fiancée’s history. If you’re willing to take the risk, I’m sure your family will be very upset. But if you’re determined to send that letter, you should have the courage to sign your name.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother is getting remarried at 84 to an 83 year old man who has never been married. They got engaged after dating for 6 months. I think it is unwise, but I want her to be happy, so I am going to the wedding.

She asked her best friend to be her best man, and then asked my brother to be her best man because her fiance had no one to do it. I expressed my frustration that she asked him to be her best man and not me. Now she wants me to be her best man, but I don’t really want to do it because I’m not for marriage.

In hindsight, I should have kept my mouth shut about my frustration. Should I do it out of love and respect for my mom, or should I stand my ground because I really think it’s a bad idea? I don’t want to be her witness for so many reasons.

— DECISIVE IN INDIANA

Dear undecided: You were open about your reservations about the wedding, which is probably why your mother asked her best friend to do it. She has now invited you to be her bridesmaid, because you told her you felt left out.

Whether or not you support your mother’s decision to marry this man, the wedding is still on. Unless you plan on distancing yourself more and more in the months and years to come, walk your mother down the aisle, wish her well, and keep your fingers crossed for her.